Now there’s no welcome look in your eyes when I reach for you
And now you’re starting to criticize little things I do
It makes me just feel like crying
‘Cause baby, something beautiful’s dyin’
You lost that lovin’ feelin’
Whoa, that lovin’ feelin’
You lost that lovin’ feelin’
Now it’s gone, gone, gone, whoa-oh
You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ was first recorded in 1964 by the Righteous Brothers, but the message and feeling it sends are as old as humanity itself.
The “Hokey Pokey”
People fall in and out of love all the time. It happens. But sometimes, the love is there — it’s just buried beneath the many layers of life. Often, couples stop trying to make things work when confronted with typical relationship issues, like falling into a routine that sucks out the passion and enjoyment.
Couples in a long-term relationship who have lost their sexual desire for each other and want to improve their sex life don’t have to spend thousands of dollars wooing each other or trying the latest “hack” found on TikTok.
The loss of sexual arousal and interest in long-term relationships is a natural event. However, it does not have to be a normal event. The natural aspect of it occurs as significant relationships get caught up in the responsibilities of life, like paying bills, childrearing, working, and caring for aging parents.
Come on, baby, light my fire
The rekindling of pleasure and intimacy is possible for those long-term relationships in which partners are equally invested in rekindling and have retained safety and trust in one another.
The key to rekindling a relationship is to invest in quality time together with clear, communicated intentions. Sexual pleasure, not sex, is not the first goal; it is the ultimate goal. The first goals focus on being curious, playful, and together.
Here are some fun ideas to start you off.
- Create a game in which you each test your partner’s memory of affectionate times long past. [36 Questions for Increasing Closeness]
- Fantasize about an agreed-upon bucket list item. [Build Your Bucket List]
- Pull out those youth-filled photos and have your partner recall the story.
- Write down one another’s favorites (e.g., color, tree, memory, childhood friend, song, movie character, book, etc.), and then the winner gets a massage.
- Create a ritual for unique connection time (e.g., cuddling, joke competition, acknowledgment, greetings, commitment, etc.)
- Create a relationship mission statement that includes hopes and intentions for your commitment. [Three Simple Steps to Creating Your Couples Mission Statement Together]
While tackling relationship challenges on your own is certainly possible, I strongly encourage professional assistance if arguments seem to occur instead of enjoyment or you find that rekindling is awkward, inconsistent, or just not successful. That lovin’ feelin’ may seem like it’s gone, gone, gone, but marriage and family therapists are uniquely trained to guide significant relationships in healing and in singing a brand new tune.