The Invisible Workload of Motherhood: How to Lighten Mom’s Load and Show Appreciation

Who’s your favorite superhero?

Superman? Spiderman? Thor? Black Panther?

The options are endless but I’m sure you gravitate to one particular hero over others.

Movie studios pump out superhero movies every year that generate millions of dollars, critical acclaim, and vast attention. Yet, the world’s most beloved superhero epic is often missed – the real wonder woman – Mom.

Lifting an invisible workload like it’s nothing, moms play a superhuman role that no movie could ever truly capture, a role committed to always saving the day, every day, with little-to-no recognition or thanks. It is in this epic that so many future heroes, such as yourself, can find their origin story. Ironically, even superhero movies are running tired.

We all know how much time, effort, energy, and resources it takes to maintain a family. And the more people in it, the more work it takes. Yet, many of us take our moms for granted at times. To help us remember all they do, Mother’s Day was established as a national annual holiday in 1914 proving just how vital moms are to families.

Starting in the 20th century, most women in the United States found their daily activities and responsibilities had doubled. She was not just the home and family manager; she also became a full-time employee and even sometimes a sole breadwinner. Two full-time jobs — paid for one. Does her work ever end? Does anyone even notice her ‘invisible workload‘?

The immense responsibilities and pressure of motherhood are very real, contributing to an often debilitating invisible workload.

✪ Taking care of herself usually takes a backseat to others, which ends up making things even harder
✪ Exhaustion is real. Motherhood takes a huge toll, especially over time
✪ Energy levels go down the longer she’s a parent
✪ Family often sees the work but doesn’t think anything of it or how much it is depleting mom
✪ Moms need a time out for themselves, a recharging period to recuperate from a 24/7/365 job

What is “invisible workload”? Who does it?

A mime tugs on an imaginary rope. He struggles mightily to pull whatever invisible thing is tied to the other end. The mime feels appreciated as people watch and clap. This could be an ‘invisible workload’ if we were being literal but in reality, it’s the work that no one really sees other than the person doing it, often added on top of usual responsibilities and with little to no acknowledgment or appreciation. It’s typically unpaid and unnoticed, but essential.

mothers bear more of the brunt of invisible labor, and it’s taking its toll. The path to relieving some of the burden first involves understanding invisible labor for what it is.

Home management is one of the largest contributors to invisible workload. The work done for life at home is almost always unseen, yet ‘magically’ gets done. Generally, women tend to bear more of the brunt of the invisible workload than men and these differences are magnified once women become mothers.

According to a 2016 op-ed article in Money, the invisible workload of managing a home includes thinking, worrying, delegating, and paying attention to the needs of every family member. In traditional families, the home manager is Mom. In our society, it’s usually moms who keep track of the day-to-day tasks that keep a family moving.

For example, knowing everyone’s scheduled events, dietary needs, preferred meals, and best friends. It also includes making sure everyone learns life skills, does homework, feeds the pets, eats well, takes a bath, and falls asleep. Plus, Mom makes sure that each person in the home feels comforted when they have a bad dream, care for when catching that nasty summer cold, and surprised with those “just what I wanted” holiday gifts.

Types of Invisible Workloads

✪ Invisible work is physical
Ex: Making sure the family eats throughout the day
✪ Invisible work is emotional
Ex: Comforting a family member who is hurting or feeling stressed
✪ Invisible work is mental
Ex: Planning, coordinating, and remembering day-to-day schedules for the whole family

The Invisible Load of Motherhood

Phew. Are you as exhausted as I am just imagining all of that? Now think how exhausted moms are!

What about Mom’s needs?

I have heard reports from many mothers who are home managers in traditional and non-conforming families alike. They talk about not feeling cared for, unappreciated, and even not being seen by those they worry about and care for every day. They frequently mention being on the run, exhausted, and never having time for themselves. Even with that, it’s really easy for mothers to overlook the effects of invisible labor on their mental health and not realize how much they are actually doing.

Over the long term, these feelings can result in negative emotional and mental experiences like

• Resentment
• Depression
• Irritability
• Withdrawal
• Exhaustion
• Stress

If you add these up, the result is a very unhappy home. The home manager brings emotional connection, nurturing, and emotional safety into the home. The much-needed resources for every family to thrive. So, when Mom feels depleted, the family is left wanting.

The solution seems simple to some when we attempt to fix the problem. Hire a housekeeper. Send the kids to daycare or after-school care. Nobody bothers Mom while she’s in her bubble bath.

Fixing is not solving. To solve the problem, each family member needs to overhaul their beliefs about roles and responsibilities and, for moms, this also means letting go of some control — mothers often fall into a trap of gatekeeping, where they take on more of the burden because they think they will do it better than anyone else.

Evening out the load and gathering a good support system so Mom feels appreciated

First, start with physical actions.

1. Talk openly about expectations and commitment to helping.
2. Trust one another to follow through. No micromanaging.
3. Make invisible labor visible. Ask each member to write their events, chores, etc. on a family calendar that’s displayed.
4. Start “Round Robin” conversation sharing at the dinner table using the “what I did today” topic.
5. Join with an accountability buddy, for encouragement, not complaining.

Moms Do More Invisible Labor, But It’s Possible to Lighten the Load

Second, provide those essential emotional actions.

1. Everyone can give hugs when you see your father, brother, sister, and mother looking down in the dumps.
2. Each person needs a little bit of quiet time each day to relax, regroup, and return to life.
3. Anyone can offer a gesture of thoughtfulness, like giving them a glass of their favorite drink or offering to go for a short walk together.

And finally, the most challenging part is the mental change in perspective.

Women and men have equal, yet differently experienced, invisible workloads.

There’s an Invisible Workload That Drags Men Down, Too

So, it’s the open dialogue about how adult caregivers can join their invisible workloads FOR our family of choice that matters. If you want to be a parent of children who grow to be emotionally stable adults, I suggest you discuss a few important questions.

1. What did you learn as a child about the responsibility each parent had in your life? Do you agree with it? Challenge a few gender norms. Can women change the tires on a vehicle? Can anyone learn to cook a family meal? What are children really learning when they play with dolls?
2. What values matter most to you? How do you model them? Genuinely remember how you actually learned ‘respect your elders,’ ‘trust me (from parents),’ and ‘honesty is the best policy,’ as well as other values. What about conflicting values like honoring our parents while disciplining our children? Are they learning to honor or fear you?
3. How do you want to engage your child? How do you parent your child to be all they can be and not all you want them to be? Parents who mold a ‘mini-me’ live to tell the tale of regret when they hear their own parents’ voices coming out of their mouths at the wrong times.

I encourage all of us to set up a new family engagement rule.

Create a culture of appreciation in your home. Simply starting with modeling what you preach to your children is a great start, such as saying “thank you” each time any of you do something that lessens the invisible workload. A family is a team. Support each other as any athlete would assist and cheer on each teammate to win.

What else should you know about moms and the Invisible Workload?

Watch family and marriage therapist Susan Harrington, founder of Maison Vie, discuss “The Invisible Workload,” how it often impacts mothers, and ways you can help even out the load so Mom feels appreciated, happier, and healthier. You can also contact Maison Vie to see how Susan can help guide you through counseling sessions.