In a world where technology is as ubiquitous as the air we breathe, our journey from clunky car phones to sleek pocket-sized marvels has been nothing short of astonishing. Today, we wield our cell phones for a myriad of purposes – talking, texting, tweeting, trolling, or simply lurking in the shadows of the digital realm.
Yet, amidst this digital revolution, a peculiar phenomenon has emerged, one that invites us to ponder whether our beloved Miss Manners of yesteryears would arch an eyebrow in disapproval. Ladies and gentlemen, allow us to introduce you to the enigma of the modern age: Phubbing.
What is Phubbing?
In short, it’s a relationship destroyer. Phubbing, a fusion of the words ‘phone’ and ‘snubbing,’ is a behavior that has stealthily crept into our lives. It’s the art of giving precedence to the captivating allure of your smartphone’s content over the flesh-and-blood individual seated right beside you. Picture this: Miss Manners reincarnated in the 21st century would likely bestow upon you the less-than-distinguished title of a “phone snob.”
Is Your Phone Sabotaging Your Relationships?
The phenomenon known as Phubbing is undeniably on the rise, affecting the relationships of both married and unmarried individuals alike. This digital behavior, characterized by constant phone-checking and prioritizing notifications over human interaction, has permeated our lives to such an extent that it’s causing real harm. From married couples experiencing reduced intimacy and heightened conflict to unmarried individuals feeling isolated and devalued, Phubbing’s negative impact on relationships is a challenge we must collectively confront as it could cost you your relationship.
Are You a Phubber?
If you’ve ever found yourself captivated by your phone’s digital charms while a friend or loved one seeks your attention, you might just be a ‘phubber.’ When both parties involved engage in this peculiar dance, it becomes a case of ‘double phubbing.’ The telltale signs of a phubber include:
- Keeping your cell phone visible and within arm’s reach when in the company of others.
- Interrupting conversations to indulge in the allure of your phone.
- Treasuring cell phone notifications more than the presence of your companions.
- Filling the silence with periodic phone-checking.
- Making use of commercial breaks as an opportunity for surreptitious phone-checking.
- Prioritizing any notification, even insignificant calls, over the company of your in-person companion.
It’s crucial to understand that phubbers often experience heightened levels of anxiety and depressive states in social situations. This inclination springs from an incessant need for online connectivity, which can lead to a pervasive sense of isolation when physically surrounded by people.
Why Do We React So Strongly?
Cell phones are designed to activate our brain’s pleasure center. Dopamine receptors are triggered to release each time our brains think someone wants to connect with us. But then cortisol levels get activated as well resulting in an anxiety response. We end up in a pleasure-anxious loop experience. It can leave us feeling trapped. This can’t be good for us. Can it?
Research is currently being released that says, ‘No.’ We are learning the impact is long-term when adults, like parents, are scrolling through social media instead of interacting with their children. The impacts on children are a direct result of not having the opportunities at home to learn social skills. Children who have parent phubbers are showing signs of:
- Poor self-control
- High social anxiety
- Increasing risk of academic distress
- Mimicking the scrolling behavior of their parents
- Low esteem and confidence
- Less coping skills than their cohorts
- Poor eye contact
- Poor sleep habits
These children struggle with interpersonal situations, like sports, team projects, and club activities, as well as peer relations. The struggle may look like frustration, isolation, or giving in to peer pressure because they did not have positive role modeling at home.
Phubbing’s Impact on Relationships
While phubbing may seem innocuous on the surface, we’re now unraveling the hidden implications of this digital pastime. Initially labeled as socially rude in 2010, it later revealed a surge in anxiety driven by our innate desire for connection. Phone etiquette soon told us at the post office and bank teller counters to put our phones away. In movie theaters, creative messages inform us to silence our cellphones.
Paradoxically, this craving is satiated in the virtual world, sidelining genuine interactions with those in our physical vicinity. In our relentless pursuit of staying informed and connected, our smartphones activate our pleasure centers but can ultimately lead to a cycle of pleasure and unease.
Truths about mental impacts started with Anderson Cooper’s 60 Minutes articles in which he was his own article’s test subject. We learned of 2017 research showing increased anxiety in teenagers when parents took away their cell phones as a consequence. These kids seemed to need to see, know, and talk about with other kids what everyone else was going on about. Cooper’s article even highlighted that we get more anxious when we hear those notification sounds that we set up to know who is sending us what kind of message.
How Smartphones Change the Landscape of Love
If you’ve ever felt that your phone receives more attention than your partner, it’s time to dispel any excuses. Your actions convey a disheartening message of indifference. Marriages and long-term committed relationships often bear the brunt of this digital disconnect, resulting in:
- Reduced relationship satisfaction
- Increased conflicts
- Diminished intimacy
These self-reported findings indicate a decline in emotional engagement, feelings of devaluation, and an elevated risk of infidelity. As creatures genetically wired for in-person connection, it’s a concerning trend that highlights the consequences of prioritizing phubbing over the presence of our significant others.
Un-Phubbing Your Relationship
Reconnecting with Your Partner
If you find yourself losing the battle for attention against your smartphone, it’s time to reassess your priorities. Ask yourself some critical questions to gauge whether you’re inadvertently sending the message that your partner doesn’t matter:
- Do important conversations with your partner take a backseat to your phone use?
- Do shared moments yield to solitary amusement?
- Are you withholding significant information from your partner?
- Is scrolling time encroaching upon your precious quality time as a couple?
- Does your quality time together erode while phone time thrives?
If your answers lean toward the affirmative, it’s a clear indicator of ‘double phubbing’ and its detrimental effects on your relationship. I strongly recommend contacting a marriage and family therapist to begin your recovery process together.
From ‘Zoning Out’ to ‘Zoning In’
In a world increasingly tethered to our digital devices, where the allure of screens often pulls our attention away from the present moment, many of us find ourselves inadvertently caught in the act of “zoning out.” It’s a state in which we drift into the digital abyss, our minds captivated by the constant allure of notifications and online distractions. This pattern, driven by the dopamine-fueled pleasure of connection, has a curious flip side: an undercurrent of anxiety that accompanies our tech-driven pleasure. But there’s hope. To reclaim our focus and transition from “zoning out” to “zoning in,” consider embarking on a journey of ‘dopamine detox.’
“Dopamine detoxing” is an innovative behavior designed specifically to reset those neurotransmitters. In choosing this path, we decide to intentionally disconnect from scrolling entirely. Mental health professionals consider this act as an effort to reset your brain chemistry to its normal state. Just like the impact phubbing has on us and our relationships, dopamine detox has not yet been sufficiently researched. However, when considering the results of past research on returning emotional neurotransmitters to their original levels, dopamine detoxing, or some form of it, has merit. This is especially true if you spend 7-8 hours per day scrolling and zoning out.
Striking a Balance
A total disconnect is not necessary. Though it can still seem daunting to unplug even for a short time. Like most things in life, it’s all about moderation. Here are some guidelines to ease your transition:
- Preparing: Acknowledge that detoxing, even gradually, may induce initial anxiety. Identify self-care activities to navigate the urge to touch your cell phone. Take a hand-in-hand walk or learn a new recipe together.
- Tapering: Calculate the amount of time you spend phubbing each day and gradually reduce it. If you’re spending 8 hours daily, start by subtracting one hour a week until you’re more present in life than absent from it.
- Replacing: Identify enjoyable and healthy activities to fill the void during tapered hours. Create a bucket list of simple, fun, local activities that infuse your relationship with emotional dopamine.
Reigniting the Spark: Rediscovering Connection and Intimacy
Repairing attachment injuries, those moments when one partner’s attempts at connection are met with silence or hurtful responses hinges on intentional responses. Think “PACE”:
- Present: Keep your cell phone out of reach when your loved ones are nearby.
- Acknowledge: Respond to subtle cues – a wave, a glance, a question. We are social beings; heed these bids for connection.
- Connect: Assess the balance between screen time and quality time. Make a conscious effort to connect with your partner. (The 3 simple guidelines above can be applied to families as well as individuals.)
- Engage: Embrace physical connection through touch, eye contact, and shared experiences. Smile, and become teammates in the game of life.
The goals are to consume responsibly, take scrolling in measured doses, and be with others daily.
It’s essential to recognize that attachment injuries in relationships are a serious matter. If these suggestions prove insufficient, seek the guidance of a marriage and family therapist promptly. Your relationship may very well depend on it.
What else should you know about Phubbing?
Watch family and marriage therapist Susan Harrington, founder of Maison Vie, explain what “Phubbing” or phone snubbing is, how it negatively impacts relationships, and what you can do about it. You can also contact Maison Vie to see how Susan can help guide you through counseling sessions.
