Grief Rollercoaster: Why Joy & Sadness Can Ride Together After a Loved One Dies

After someone dies, we often use certain words that aren’t always understood correctly. Using these emotional terms in the wrong way can unknowingly make us feel sadder, more depressed, lonelier, and more isolated. Loneliness is a major issue for older people and can lead to alcohol and drug problems, or even suicide.

Consequently, choosing our words carefully is essential, whether you’re offering comfort to someone grieving or navigating your own loss. Misusing emotional terms can unintentionally deepen feelings of sadness and isolation. By understanding the complexities of grief, we can foster healthier coping mechanisms and provide more meaningful support to ourselves and others.

Understanding the Complexity of Grief

“Guilt” is a word often misapplied. We might say, “I feel guilty,” when we think about what happened to our partner or remember an event we did or did not do. But it’s important to realize that guilt, by definition, means you intend to harm someone, which is rarely the case when dealing with the loss of a loved one. Maybe what you’re feeling is more like regret—wishing things had turned out differently, without meaning any harm.

Grief, Identity, and the ‘Survivor’ Label

“Survivor” is also misunderstood in grief. When you call yourself a survivor, it implies you’ve outlived someone else. It unintentionally becomes an identifying status. While that’s true in a literal sense; you did survive, complex grief, it doesn’t define who you are. You’ve survived losing your partner, but you’re not trying to outlast them. They had their life, and you’re continuing to live yours.

The Myth of Closure

Then there’s “closure,” a term that’s often misunderstood. People think if they could find closure, everything would be okay as if it is a magical event that will ensure we will no longer feel distressed. The misguided belief sounds like “If I could just get closure then I would be okay.” But can we close off a relationship like shutting a door? Even if we cut someone out of our lives, the intense feelings often linger. Psychological closure usually means making peace with the other person, which isn’t possible after they’re gone.

Those who navigate grief successfully choose not to stay stuck in despair. They accept regret as a way to find joy while still feeling sad about missing their loved ones. Surprisingly, the heart can hold both joy and sorrow at once. It might seem impossible, but it’s true: you can miss someone deeply while also experiencing moments of happiness.

Finding Joy Amidst Sorrow

If you’re feeling conflicting emotions like guilt and joy, think about the words you use—they are adding to your inner struggle. Putting on a happy face in public isn’t a lasting way to heal.

Start by asking yourself:

• How do I feel when I try to connect with my deceased partner, knowing they’re no longer here?
• What do I wish I’d done differently before they passed?
• What do I wish my partner had done differently? (Regrets go both ways in relationships.)
• Am I pretending to be okay when I’m struggling?
• What beliefs about bad feelings did I pick up as a kid? Are they true?

Healing Through Self-Reflection

Viewing yourself solely as a survivor, harboring guilt for past mistakes, or expecting a quick fix won’t lead to true healing. Overcoming grief is more than just surviving; it’s about questioning societal norms and forging your unique path toward peace and healing.

Remember, you’re not alone in your grief journey. Mental health professionals are here to support you, just like your primary care physician for physical health concerns. Early intervention is key to healing and resilience. Don’t hesitate to reach out to Maison Vie. We’re committed to helping you build a brighter future.

Additional Resources

Feeling overwhelmed or hopeless? You’re not alone. If you’re considering harming yourself, please reach out for help immediately. Call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. You deserve support and care.

🔆 The Grief Recovery Method
An action-based, powerful, directed approach to healing from life’s deepest heartbreaks.
griefrecoverymethod.com

🔆 Teen and Youth Crisis Line
Call 877-968-8491
Text teen2teen to 839863
theyouthline.org